B1: Fed up with everything

I really get fed up some times. Sometimes i get this feeling like why should i fight for u? Why shud i fight when u don't even try to understand my condition. u ask me to tell everything to u but when i do, u don't do anything abt it. we tried restricting ourselves but u r not ready to do that. u wanna do something so that my mom doesn't cry. u feel sorry for her tears and consider it ur fault. but what do u do abt it? nothing. and when i tell u to do something u think i m changing. u don't listen to me. 

I m really not saying that u r better off than me but come on. If u feel lonely, so do i. If u don't wanna lose me neither do i. if u r fed up of everything so am i. but u don't have to see ur mom crying and sleeping at 3:30 am bcoz she cudnt sleep. u don't have to feel sorry that u hurt ur parents. u just blame ur parents and frnds that they don't care, they don't love u. i can't blame my parents. they have suffered bcoz of me, they have gone through so much ur parents can't even begin to imagine. 

U don't want me to lose everything but when i tell u a way in which i won't, u don't want to opt for that way. why? coz that way doesn't suit u. u r dragging that 11 pm limit to half an hour by talking abt useless stuff and saying it's imp. i can't do anything can i? i told u it's 11, gd n8, like a hundred times. but no u won't listen. the only thing i can do is hear to my mom's mockery, which is killing me right now and still send a smiley emoji to u. i want to fight for u. but i want u, not to just say ya i will fight ya i will struggle for u, but actually do it. u get so frustrated at the society when my frnds tell u to just maintain some distance with me so politely. and u say u will fight the world. how? 

i have to listen to my mom and my sis' harsh and heartbreaking words and control my tears and i m still talking to u calmly without blaming them for it and u can't even stand my frnds' words. fighting the world? i don't think it's ur cup of tea. and ya my smile has faded around u and ya maybe i am ignoring u bcoz i don't want to get so attached to u that one day when i lose u along with my family i wud die.